Do it yourself: Accept fate

God give me the serenity to take things
that I can’t change
the courage to change things that I can change
and the wisdom to distinguish one from the other.

“Serenity Prayer“,
which is attributed to the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr

Are you one of those people who lack this serenity? Those who are therefore in a constant ALARM mood, as if they had to control fate, as if another catastrophe could happen again – and they are guilty of it because they have not paid enough attention. Do you therefor feel constant stress, maybe already exhaustion or even depression or chronic illness? So that you have run out of strength to cope with smaller challenges?

My experience: if you first set yourself apart from the fate of your family, and then accept your own fate and integrate it, then you can find your way back to this serenity, even to the lost “basic trust“.

In the following I will give you a description of how you can design this process yourself.

Instructions for Do it Yourself

What you need for this:
If possible, you need another person (assistant) and the following props:
Two chairs, a pillow (e.g. red meditation cushion), a stool (or other chair), a scarf (as a border), a heavy stone (symbol for the weight you have assumed from your family, approx. 2 kg), a lighter stone (symbol for what the family, the fate K has put up with and cannot undo, about 1 kg) a stool / footstool.

Abbreviations used and assignment of props:
K: client (you)
A: Assistant
TS: Your true self that can delimit itself without feeling guilty and confide in its fate – whatever it brings. Symbolized by a chair with the pillow on it.
FF: The fate of the family, all the hardship that happened to the parents and their families. Symbolized by a stool.
G: Instance of fate that controls fate. Symbolized by a stool (footstool, smaller stool)
OF: your own fate, symbolized by a second chair


Constellation picture:
A: „You take the first chair (FF), put it in the room and then put the chair with the cushion (TS) and then yourself (K) in relation to FF in the room.
How are you there? Can you still feel yourself – or are you paying more attention to the fate of the family? Can you feel your TS – or is it not noticeable?“

Lay the boundary between yourself and the FF
A: „You come from your family. But you have your own identity. You decide what belongs in your identity space. You have your own destiny and are completely without the destiny of your family members. Therefore you can put a border (scarf) between you, your TS and the FF.“
K places the scarf as a border between himself, the TS and FF.
A: „What does this change? (Allow K time to perceive the changes)“
A: „Can you feel this border – or do you mix what is your own with what is foreign? That can be checked.“

Client in family fate place?
A: „Stand on the FF’s seat. How do you feel there? Do you know this feeling? Do you feel better there than in your own room? If you know the feeling well, this is an indication that you identify with the fate of your family and have merged with it. Perhaps you think you don’t have your own identity and are therefore connected to the FF. How does that feel? Do you know that feeling? However, it’s about developing your own identity. So go back to your own room. Stand across from the FF
Now say the clarifying sentences: “You are the fate of my family. And I am I. And I am complete without you. I live here and now and you are more than 20 years ago!” (depending on your age)
How does that feel? You can repeat the sentence until you can speak it easily and clearly.
Time to repeat. A also pays attention to the voice.
What is changing in your body?“

Client in place of G, the instance of fate?
A now places stool next to the stool G as an instance of fate.
A: „Did you have the feeling – spontaneously or as an assignment – you are responsible for the fate of your family? On the one hand it feels great – on the other hand, no matter how hard you try, you can only fail and feel bad, as a failure.
Now stand on the stool and see how this position feels.“
K stands on G
A: „Do you know this feeling? In everyday life you can see that you try to control a lot. Do you know that?“ Wait for K’s reaction.
A: “But it takes a lot of strength and you are actually really powerless here. Therefore you can get out of this role and come back down to earth, which also carries you. Go back to your room.“

Recognition and approval of fate
A: “Fate brings beautiful things – and painful things. But even the painful can be seen as a chance to grow from it. If you can say yes to the powerlessness against the family fate, then you can express this by bowing down to fate for 3 breaths.” K bows down to OF and G for three deep breaths. A can bow down with them.
A: “How does that feel?“

FF in the place of TS
A places FF again in K’s room, to the right of K.
A: “It may be that you identify yourself with the fate of your family in such a way that you have brought it into your identity space. This prevents you from living your own life. Do you know that? Then the FF acts like a Trojan horse that disrupts your “own program”. You can choose to remove the Trojan from your room by consciously putting it back in its previous place. The clarifying sentence you say: “With all due respect, you don’t belong in my room, and certainly not in the place of my true self. You have your own space.”
K repeats and puts FF out of his room again.

Differentiation from the FF
A: “Your territory was occupied by the alien energy of your collective. Do you feel a difference now?“
The clarifying sentence: “This is my room. You have your own space. In my room only belongs what is truly ME. You are you and I am me! I am complete without you!“
K repeats the sentence, it is often more effective if K repeats the sentence twice.
A: “How does that feel now?“

Handover the stone by K to FF
A hands the stone to K: “If you have felt responsible for the fate of your family, you can symbolically give it back with a heavy stone: “It is your fate. You have worn it your way or you have not. As a child, it is not my place to judge or interfere. I’ll leave it to you from now on.”
K can repeate the sentence.
A: “Put the stone on the stool FF and let all the feelings of heaviness that you have carried for your family flow there with the return of the stone. Then go back to your room.
How are you now?“

Handover of stone FF to K
A hands K a lighter stone with the words: “Your family has put a lot of pressure on you. The family cannot undo this. If you see it as a challenge, then you can grow from it. If you feel sorry for yourself and take on the role of victim, then you can break because of it. What do you choose? Make it clear.“

Connection with TS
A takes the pillow from the chair and holds it about one meter in front of K at eye level.
A: “Now look with your own eyes at your self-determined, free, non-conforming self, that can set boundaries without feeling guilty. Perhaps this side of you was not wanted in your family – and you took over the view of your parents – their “glasses”? Symbolically – with a wave of the hand – take off all glasses of the parents and grandparents, etc. Is there anything else to complain about?
You can greet your true self and tell him / her, “It may be that I haven’t paid attention to you until now. It has nothing to do with you and you don’t deserve it either.”- Time to investigate – „Now I notice how wonderful you are and how much I need you.”
A: “Instead of identifying with the fate of the family, you can now merge with yourself.”
K takes the pillow and hugs it.
A: “How does that feel?“

Demarcation ritual
A: “If you see that the FF does not belong to your identity at all, you can stop it at your limit. To this end, I am now representing the FF and come up to you and you stop me before I get into your own room.”
A (FF) approaches K and K approaches A (FF) and stops FF at its own limit with a clear STOP! K uses both hands to help and stops A (FF) with both hands from the front in the area of the collarbones. (It is helpful if you watch the video “Schweres Familienschicksal” with A beforehand!)
A: “How does that feel?”
„That would be the healthy defensive reflex, if you have it at your disposal, then you will know better where you are responsible – and where not – what your interests are – and what are not!”
“And it’s like the predators, they protect their territory with a scream. Which predator do you think of? A tiger? Now you can stop the FF with the tiger scream
at your limit. The healthy channel for your strength becomes free. If you block this channel, then your unused power will be directed against yourself.”
K stops A (FF) with both hands and a tiger cry at the border.
A: “How does that feel?”
Repeat one or two times!

Counter demarcations

1. Own demarcation from family fate
A is again opposite K. The border runs between the two.
A: “You related almost exclusively to the room of the FF and can now experience that this is not your identity and that you are not responsible here. I now represent the FF. You go into FF ́s room with the best of intentions and I’ll stop you at my limit as the FF.”
Both walk towards each other again, FF clearly stops K with his hands and the words: “That is not you at all. It has nothing to do with you. That is not your identity!”-Repeat one or two times!
„Feel how it feels now!“

2. Differentiation from the past
A: “Are you aware that you keep giving space to old topics, injuries or mistakes? Then you must have noticed that you feel weakened and restless while doing it. It costs you a lot of energy and yet it “happens” as if there was something magical behind it. The following exercise can help you to end that.“
A: „Imagine you are symbolically going back on a timeline into the past. The border symbolizes the threshold to the past. I’ll stop you with both hands on the border of the past.”
K goes in the direction of the past and A clearly stops him with the sentence: “Stop! There is no turning back! What’s over is over! – And it won’t come back! – What is dead as a doornail will never be alive again!”
Repeat one or two times!
In between, give K time to feel what is happening inside. It is important that the stop is clear. It can or must be very powerful.
A: “It may feel very painful, like saying goodbye. But that is a healthy pain, and when you walk through it, the door opens to the “here and now”.“


FF will be set up
A: “Now please take the 2nd chair (OF) and set it up across from you as a representative of your own fate. The TS stops next to you. How are you doing with that?”
“Your own fate brings beautiful and painful things, you do not know what will come next. Even painful things are not bad, you can grow on them too.”

K in place of OF
A: “Now stand in the place of your destiny.
How is that? Do you trust or do you want to control your destiny? If so, then you have also learned that this cannot work and that you may even feel guilty then. You cannot control your own destiny. We are also powerless against our own fate.
How does it feel when you stand there? However, you are overwhelmed with it in the long run, it costs you a lot of strength and you come into exhaustion and burnout. Besides, here you are separate from your TS. Maybe you know that.

Then you can go back to your seat. How do you feel there?
Look to your fate. You could symbolically say yes to your own powerlessness to fate by bowing down deeply for three breaths.”
A bows down with you.
A: “How are you now doing with your fate?”
(Mostly better)
A: “There is another way you can consent to your own powerlessness. By lying down on your stomach and stretching your arms forward with your palms facing up.”

K lies down on his stomach, arms forward
A: “How is it for you when you confide in your own fate, whatever it brings? Maybe it feels dangerous to you, like falling into the abyss. Can you feel that you are not falling into the abyss because something is carrying you? What carries you – time to feel –
(If K can’t let go): Feel the ground, is it hard or soft, warm or cold? How does the floor feel? Smooth or rough? Only when you let go do you feel that something is carrying you.” – time to feel –
“What carries you is the earth. The earth that made you. The earth that feeds you. It gives you water and air to breathe.“

K stays with this new experience and gets up again.
A: “Feel the connection with your self, with that part of you that can confide in its fate, whatever it brings.“
Ask K to hug TS’s pillow again. K now (mostly) feels a better connection.
A: “How are you now doing with your fate?”
K feels (mostly) more trust in his own fate.
“If you can trust your fate in this way, whatever it brings you, then you no longer have to control it. Then you can save the strength that you have so far wasted in fighting fate. Then you can put fate behind you. You can lean on your fate, or (if it is represented by a chair) sit on it. Then the space in front of you becomes free and here too you can feel that your fate is carrying you through your life.“

K sits down on the chair
TS very close to K.
A: “How does that feel?”
K now feels serenity and trust that he previously lacked.

A: “If you confide in your fate in this way, then you can understand what the Chinese sage LAOTSE meant with his words „action by inaction” or „where nothing is to be done, nothing remains undone.“

A: “And now go your way. You leave behind the heaviness that does not belong to you. You take what you really are with you. And then you take 7 steps through the door into the here and now – and you close the door to the past behind you.
K takes the pillow TS and goes out and closes the door behind him. While K is outside for a while, A can put away chairs, stools, stones, etc. Then do not analyze anything so that K can still remain with himself and the new experience.


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